Its a Kzelliscious World!

I am, at the moment, in a position where I am no longer capable of being independent. I feel very insufficient for the dreams I want to achieve. I am weak. I surrender. I gave up.

-I never cook meals; I just make salad like every single fucking day just to feed my stomach. I know how to cook; definitely, it’s just that I AM VERY LAZY TO COOK.

-Because salad is my everyday food, I am generally fed up of going back and forth to the supermarket to get some lettuce. Remember: Salad is mainly lettuce. Problem is I can’t buy and stock up lettuce. They rot quickly. I need to buy them everyday: they got to be fresh

-I want a car! I miss driving. I struggled the first few weeks after I stop driving. When I was in Wales, I always use my car to go to the shops, even if they’re just five minutes walk away from the house.

-I want disposable clothes. I don’t like the idea of washing my clothes every week. It’s annoying. It’s boring. It’s ugh.

-I am starting to hate studying. I am no longer motivated to finish my course. I want my vacation – FOREVER.

-I am not used to sleeping on my own anymore. I want to sleep and wake up next to someone: a friend, family member or a boyfriend at least.

-I want a credit card that’s got no limit. I am fed up of working while studying. Three years of doing this is reasonably enough. I hate my part time job. I just want instant money.

-I want my FAMILY. There is nothing worse than living on your own. Even if I have friends and even if I am preoccupied with hell loads of things. I need my FAMILY. I want their affection. I miss the nights I spend with my mom chatting about things, the times when I used to laugh and joke around with my brothers. The bonding moments I have with my sister. The short but memorable talks I used to have with my dad. I miss them.
I miss them very much.

There will be times in our lives when things will be rough. Loneliness and inferiority have been on my side long enough now for them to go away and leave me alone. Thinking about how I worry too much about things makes me wonder and ask this:
Am I really making the MOST out of this gift I was given?
I am a happy person. I smile, literally like every single day. I laugh even at the smallest things. I always have fun. I never had problems –before. I never had burdens inside me. I was carefree. But the person I see now is someone I really am not. When moody-days and idiocy reigns, the only thing you know is ‘GIVE UP’ and make drama.

‘’EVERY SECOND COUNTS ‘CAUSE THERE’S NO SECOND TRY, SO LIVE LIKE YOU’RE NEVER LIVING TWICE.’’

P.S. This kind of blog entries I make are only written whenever I feel down and whenever I feel the need to blog my feelings out. I only do this every time I feel the need to make bullshit dramas. It helps when I do this. Tomorrow, I will be a different person.

Life is at its best when you do things with the people who matters to you the most. The ‘extra’ maturity that keeps building within me makes me realize that things are best when shared together. There are so many things in this world that gives you the opposite meaning of life, handful of things that shows you what life really is all about.
I have few days left before I turn 21. I can still remember the time when I turned 18, I was alone at home, on the computer surfing the net and Friendster hopping. My dad was working, my brother is in school and my mom was in the Philippines at that time. It made me hate my birthday ever since. I never wanted to celebrate my other birthdays anymore. It made me hate celebrations, loathed surprises, made me think that gifts don’t exist anymore and generally made me feel like there is NO ME. The result was very weird, it made me want to be 18 FOREVER –and it scares me every time I think about growing old and never really having the chance to do certain things a woman the same age as me should actually do. Frankly speaking, I was mad. But then, it’s been years since it happened and so like what I always do, I FORGET IT.
Today I was pondering and arguing with myself.

Random things that came across my mind:
- I seriously want braces.
- I want a Pomeranian puppy
- I want motivation
- I’ve been a pescan for almost 3 years now and so I am debating with myself for quite few days now =TO EAT MEAT or NOT TO EAT MEAT?
- To love or not to love
- I want to change my course and do something different
- I am definitely going on a holiday this year = PHILIPPINES or GREECE?
- I am craving SISIG! Weird because you only crave foods that you’ve already tasted but I haven’t tried eating SISIG yet.
- I want chicken adobo
- I trust you and so don’t let me down
- I am becoming more and more moody everyday
- I don’t find life very interesting this month
- I thought I am a superstar .lol.
- To quit gym or not to quit gym?
- I have two exams this month and I haven’t started revising yet
- I can’t wait to finish my first year in doing this course
- I want a second tattoo
- I want my dad and my mom to have a peaceful mind and heart starting NOW
- I miss my siblings (My ate, my kuya, Lester and bogs)
- I am a sucker for chocolates
- I want a double NOT SINGLE bed
- I want to hire a chef
- I thought I am a hard-worker (akala ko lang pala)
- I was never satisfied
- Someone knocked and so I am going to let him in
- My life is full of drama and they are ALL bullshit
- I WANT SOMEONE TO HUG ME FOREVER

Anyhow, until next time!

Things I did yesterday and today

- I joined the gym. The best thing I’ve done so far since September. To be honest, working out is something I really missed the most. I am very absolute that this is going to be beneficial to me as it will give me energy to do other things. And besides I love running and cycling!

-I handed-in two CVs. I hate my part-time job more than anything so I decided it’s time to get a new one. I applied in 1) House of fraser 2) Uppercrust
Hopefully they will get back to me asap. Wish me luck.

-Got myself a ticket to Zanzi Bar. Why Zanzi Bar? NEYO WILL BE PERFORMING. Tickets for the PCD and Neyo concert in CIA was sold out. My friend and I are very disappointed and so I opt for Neyo’s afterparty instead of doing nothing this coming Saturday. I will be out with my lovely friends. *Excited*

-I bought myself a pair of lovely shoes.
A pair of Ninewest wedges for £19 ▼

Aren’t they gorgeous???

-Went to the Church
While I was in the Church waiting for the mass, a drunk old man entered the church and started screaming and shouting. And he keeps asking “Where is your God? Where is your God?”. He seems a bit lost. Bless him..

I need to get myself back on track. I am not making the most out of this life which is very bad. I just want to stop worrying too much and enjoy every minute of mylife.

Each day’s a gift and not a given right.